"Most people are other people...."

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.  ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

 

I think I will be using this post to tell you who I really am, inside and out. I'll start with the simple part. The outside. The place that for some reason people always look at and judge first. I am 5'6 I cannot be a model. I am not tall enough. I cannot be a disney princess. I am too tall. My hair is a fake color. Two fake colors. They are red and bleach blonde. I might dye it to a dark brown, which is my natural color. My hair is for the most part straight. But sometimes it decides to flip out like I am the star in a movie from the 70's. .....It's rather lovely.... I have blue eyes. Alot of people say they're pretty but i'll let you in on a little secret. We all want what we cant have and I wish I had brown or green eyes. Heck, solve both problems! Lets just say I want hazel eyes. I don't have my dads nose and I don't have my moms nose. I have a mix of both. I have freackles. On my face. Across my cheeks and nose. They are not the huge red ones everyones thinks of when i say freackles. My smile? Its a smile. Not movie star straight or movie star white. Not fake. I have laugh lines around my eyes because I love to laugh. And I wouldn't get rid of them. Even if you paid me. I've been told I have a nice voice. Just talking. And I just want to say that is one of the wierdest compliments I've ever recived. I also sing. But you'll never hear my real singing voice, Only a few people have and ever will. Special people. People very close to me. Or the random people I never met that were behind that curtain judging me. Enough about the physical. You've got plenty of that shiz. Now for the inside. I'm not super smart but I'm not dumb. I'm a terrible speller but I am dyslexic. I also have an auditory learning disorder. I have a disability in math on top of all this. Now you're probably thinking, Omg what can she even do!? Art. I love art. Its one of the only things I excell at. Not drawing, But photography. I love capturing moments that make you think. My goal is to make you see what I see or think what I am thinking. I think differently. Very much so. Alot of people don't understand my thoughts. I don't expect them too. In my mind no one could ever fully understand another, because you are not them! I am outspoken but shy at the same time. I am honest but in our society honesty has been labled rude. We second guess ourselves and think that if we tell that person the dress looks bad on them they will hate us, never talk to us again, so we lie and tell them it looks fantastic. When you really should just tell the truth. They wont hate you. I never tell a person something looks good when it doesn't. You don't have to say, good lord you look awful, burn it at once! no. Offer them something else, give suggestions, show them what bothers you. I ramble. If you haven't noticed all ready. I'm very sarcastic. I would hope you've picked up on that.

I was raised Mormon. I go to a mormon school. No not BYU. Gross. I suppose I should share my beliefs. But they aren't too exciting. I know there has to be some thing higher than us. We aren't here by accident.  I am not too sure on a few mormon beliefs. In all honesty I'm still trying to figure out things. I do feel good when they say families are forever. I like the idea of that. But the stuff about you should only date mormons if you are mormon, it really bugs me. Its not just because mormon boys don't like me. ha! just kidding, but seriously. I have never gone out with a mormon boy. I've been on one date with one but i don't think that counts. Speaking of dates I think that leads to love right? My view on love is a bit different. I have never felt that Hollywood love. I don't think it's like Hollywood portrays it any way. Thats what everyone is aming for and wants. Maybe thats why we have so many divorces in this world. I keep telling people I don't believe in love. One of my friends once told me, (upon hearing my view on love), Love is out there. It is the best yet worst thing you'll ever experience. I thought this was a nice way of thinking of it. But now I realize what love is to me. Love is a beautiful day, a real smile, a true laugh, someone saying have a good day, Love is caring for someone. When I say I love you that means I care about you. Love is not sex. This world has made sex out to be love. Sex is something that happens when you are in love with your significant other. And news flash, you aren't going to find that person in highschool. Why not save that? I don't understand people who just throw that around like its nothing. Good example, remember in the movie Taken when Amanda gets into the house and says, "I'm going to sleep with him........You might as well loose it in Paris...." Yes that wasn't the whole convo but that was the main thing i was getting at. I really liked that they put that in the movie though. Look what happened to her. Obviously its not that extreem all the time but honestly shouldn't that be something for real love? Look at how some people treat that or talk about it. We are teaching little children that its a bad thing when its not! Its just not ment to be abused like it is. Okay, enough about that. What else.... Oh random but I hate needles. I cry when I need to get a shot but I want piercings. Nose, lip, belly button, and hips. But this my dear friends is infact frowned upon in the mormon reliegion that is my whole family. They already aren't a fan of who I am. Those piercings would just throw them off the deep end. They might even disown me. Sad isn't it? I cuss. I have a potty mouth at times. I do think about what I'm saying but sometimes things come out. I listen to music that sceams when I cannot scream myself. I hate sharing feelings. I always feel that I would end up crying and I see that as being weak. My dad would always make me laugh when I would cry. My dad is not here with me. I can't share feelings. But I can listen and put in my input. Thats all I can offer right now. I know that can frustrate people. But they don't understand. Everyone does things differently, we all need to respect that. I think we are all in control of ourselves and no one can make you upset without your permisson. I am not a huge fan of our government. I feel that if they made an "oopsie" they would never tell us. And keep it hidden as long as possible and then blame it on something else. There is no perfect. There is no normal. How ever, there is a right and wrong, you have to find that one out on your own. A hug can change a persons day. A smile can save a life. Your time can change everything. You can do whatever you want when you put your mind to it. Prostitution should never be leagal. Porn is a discusting excuse for anything. Dare I get into the controversial topic of abortion? Fess up to your "mistake" don't kill it unless in cases of rape, incest, or huge medical issues where the mother or the baby will die. You don't have to keep it, give it a real family put it up for adoption. As for adoption for me I think I would rather give a child a second chance at life rather then bringing my own kids into the world. Plus the thought of being prego makes me wanna barf. Didn't I mention I think differently? I want to travel the world and learn about other cultures. I want to live life at the fullest! I don't want to pretend to be some ones I'm not. I am me. I am myself. I think my way. I will never fully understand what someones going through because I am Not them! I am the fear of growing old without ever really being young. Break free be yourself. Find yourself.

Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.  ~Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

When you find who you are and embrace it you will be happier than you have ever been. You will know where to go and what to do. :) Smile like you mean it. By the way I felt a little emo doing this but I learned a few things. Try it.